For the longest time, I avoided relationships like the plague. It wasn’t that I couldn’t commit to anyone it just seemed like a lot of stress and pain. Plus Junior High and High school were also stressful in itself being the quiet girl, who wears baggy clothing because I was self-conscious about my way to fast developing body.
I have never been the kind of person who dates just for the sake of dating, which is what most of my friends around me did. On the rare occasion, I was asked out which didn’t happen until I was in 8th grade I would ask why they wanted to date me. Mainly because it was usually guys, I didn’t know well. I mean if you’re going to ask a girl to be your girlfriend right off the bat you have to expect that question. Especially when you only have one class together where you’ve barely spoken. Or sometimes I didn’t even have a class with them.
The two most famous answers were because you have pretty hair, or because it may be fun. Okay so maybe they aren’t terrible answers. But, that’s what dating is for. You go on a couple of dates and then decide if you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. But everyone around that time was so quick to put a label on things. It was maddening.
As I got older and switched to cyber school, my mind caught up with my body, and I started to wonder what it would be like to date someone. Problem is when you’re in Cyber School it’s hard to meet people. I won’t go into all the details, but when I left school, I left a lot of toxic people and teachers behind. So I was starting with a blank slate. Sure I communicated with a few of the kids from the Cyber School via Facebook, but most of them lived far away.
It wasn’t until I started taking martial arts that I met someone who I considered dating. I was terrible at flirting, and when I talked to him, I felt like half of what I said was nonsense. Then after I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt I found out that he had a girlfriend.
After that, I had a few small crushes, but after getting to know the person, I realized that a relationship would never work out. Meanwhile, once I got into college, the whole game had changed. Either people were already paired up since high school and getting engaged, or they decided they preferred friends with benefits rather than a two-person relationship.
Without getting into to much detail, I had two terrible dating experiences in my first two years of college. So much that they really did a number on me. For at least two years cursed myself for being with people who didn’t care about me. At that time I decided to focus on school and worry about boys later.
Of course, sometimes life has another plan for you. In the form of a cute guy who just won’t leave you alone! I mean he wasn’t a stalker or anything, but it’s hard to ignore a guy and focus on just schoolwork when he keeps smiling at you and looking at you. Then, of course, he eventually talks to you, and at that point, all other logic goes through the window. What hurt most about this experience was the ping-ponging around. One minute he liked me and then the next minute he didn’t. And then it went back and forth like that several times.
Long story short I ended up feeling like I had been chewed up and spit out. That’s not a fun feeling. Shortly after that I closed off my heart and put up walls around myself. I began ending things before the other person ended it because I was scared and didn’t want to get hurt.
Problem with doing that is that it doesn’t solve anything. It just turns you into this lonely person. So I lowered my walls not all the way, but enough for people to get through and I wised up to people who were there for the long haul and people who were just in it for a minute.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it hasn’t been lonely and that I wish I had someone to share life with. But I also know that at some point someone will come into my life and stay there. For now, I’m thankful to have a job, time to write, and very cuddly cats!